At a recent trip to Qdoba (one of my favorite places to eat), I was walking behind this small boy and his grandmother on the way in. The boy, which I would guess was about 1-2 years old, was hanging back near the sidewalk toddling around while she was waiting for him by the door. As I approached the sidewalk, he jogged toward me with a stretched-out arm momentarily before turning his attention toward the big ascension onto the sidewalk.
 After his little legs successfully made the climb, I soon followed behind. Halfway to the door, he turns back around and again toddles toward me with his arm outstretched, this time with much more purpose than before. He started making those "unh unh" sounds, the kind that toddlers often make when they want something...not the upset kind, just the variation that says, "I can't talk yet, but there's something I really need you to know and this is the only means I have of informing you."
 By this time I had deduced what he was looking for and offered my hand, but did so cautiously on the small chance that my perception of the situation could be wrong, in which case I didn't want to inadvertently pose a threat to the child. But my supposition turned out to be correct; he immediately took hold of my hand and had me escort him to the door.
 The grandmother sheepishly apologized, which of course was completely unnecessary. I was going the same direction anyway, so it certainly was no imposition on my part to comply with whatever need a child had for guidance at that time. I'm sure I would have done it even if I hadn't been. Anyway, I found myself subtly keeping an eye on the pair after we had all entered the restaurant.
 It turned out they were there to meet his mother. She called him over, he'd take a few steps and stop, she would then have to call to him again. This process repeated itself about three times until they were close enough for her to pick him up. She was sporting a gaudy handbag, was somewhat overweight and wearing a raggedy t-shirt, had multiple piercings and bi-colored hair...and no wedding ring. That's when it occurred to me just what God had used me for in that moment.
 While I cannot know how much of a presence that young man's father has in his life, it was quite obvious he had a pronounced need at that time for the sure leadership of a male figure he perhaps did not have regular access to. It spoke to me that even children know that a situation like his isn't right, yet we adults in our "sophisticated" reasoning seem to continually attempt to program this idea out of them by varied means. To try and convince the child they are wrong in such thinking is a mistake, because this is an unalterable coding!
 The Commission on Children at Risk, formed a few years back to research the trends of troubled children, compiled a report that stated, among other things, that the need to form relationships is hardwired. Also, the report refers to recent neuroscience research that found the environment a child is raised in "not only shapes a child’s psychological and emotional development, but also alters brain development in ways that profoundly affect long-term health." (Hardwired to Connect: The New Scientific Case for Authoritative Community, p.1)
 In his analysis on the report, "Children at Risk", W. Bradford Wilcox notes:

 "So, how have authoritative communities fared in recent years in the United States? The sobering reality is that authoritative communities have not done so well over the last half-century. The family, which the report correctly notes is “the first and most basic association of civil society,” has been battered and buffeted in recent years. In particular, increases in divorce and unwed childbearing since the 1960s have left an indelible mark on the lives of millions of children. As a consequence of these changes, fewer and fewer children go to bed at night in a home that they share with mother and father. In the 1950s, almost 80 percent of children spent their entire lives in an intact family, whereas in the 1990s only about 50 percent of children spent their entire childhood with their biological mother and father. Children who grow up outside an intact family are more than twice as likely to experience serious psychological or social problems as their peers who grow up in intact families."
 Taking a page from Robert Putnam’s Bowling Alone, the report notes that other authoritative communities in civil society—e.g., religious institutions, Parent Teacher Associations, and YMCAs—have lost ground over the last half century. For instance, the percentage of Americans attending religious services in any given week fell from 49 percent in 1958 to 43 percent in 1990. The decline was more precipitous among teenagers: weekly religious attendance among high school seniors fell from 40 percent in the late 1970s to 31 percent in 1991. Because religious institutions provide moral meaning, spiritual sustenance, and social support to parents and adolescents, and because religious participation is associated with the social and psychological health of adolescents, there is strong prima facie evidence that the secularization of American life has helped fuel the downward spiral in social and psychological well-being among adolescents. (Full disclosure: as a member of the Commission on Children at Risk, I helped to frame the report’s treatment of religion.)

 You can put a child into any two-daddy, two-mommy, no-daddy or no-mommy situation you wish; but at the end of the day, I really believe something occurs to them, even in the most rudimentary portions of their developing minds, that the ideal situation for them is comprised of Mommy and Daddy. Of course I understand the lack of this ideal is an unavoidable reality in many situations, as I have people I care about in my own life facing such realities.
 Never having been a parent myself, I am ill equipped to speculate as to how to help children reconcile the inborn need for a nuclear family with the decidedly non-nuclear environment they are left to face, often due to poor judgement by those who gave them life. Whatever the case, it is incumbent upon servants of the risen King to offer support to these fractured homes wherever possible (Job 29:11-12).

  Not too long ago, Dr. Phil was speaking to couples on his show who were trying to get pregnant but having difficulty. One woman in particular was in tears over this, saying she felt her husband was wanting to throw in the towel after various attempts. At one point, Dr. Phil said something while working to convince the beleaguered husband to give in vitro fertilization a try(he was balking at this due to the enormous cost) that stuck with me: "This defines this woman!" It made me think back to Genesis and the story of Rachel:

When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister. So she said to Jacob, "Give me children, or I'll die!" Jacob became angry with her and said, "Am I in the place of God, who has kept you from having children?" Then she said, "Here is Bilhah, my maidservant. Sleep with her so that she can bear children for me and that through her I too can build a family." - Gen. 30:1-3

  Most of us, I'm sure, have experienced that one singular desire that defines us, that infiltrates the framework of who we are. No matter how we might try to quell it, it's the first thought upon awaking and the last thought before drifting off to sleep until the day it finally comes to pass. Every moment it's withheld, you die a just a little bit more. It becomes one's pearl of great price, the one thing we would sell all we have for.
  The saga of Jacob and his wives is filled to the brim with definitive desires: Jacob, for Rachel; Leah, to obtain the preferential love of her husband, like Rachel had; Rachel, to obtain children with her husband, like Leah had. The troubles that ensue in the pursuit(and in Jacob's case, the acqusition) of these desires are on one level humorous to read, but it's also easy to see how pathetic the cast of characters tends to become("Here's your stupid mandrakes, now buzz off...I'm gettin' me some action!") in their respective quests.
  Fill in the blank for yourself if you like: "Give me _____, or I'll die!" It could be family; it could be marriage, career, reconciliation, peace, prosperity, respect, significance...the list is as endless as the list of everyone that has ever wanted something in such a comprehensive, all-consuming fashion that each single moment denied is akin to slow torture. Rachel's struggle moves me the most because she was the most deeply affected. It was also a far more primal need, one that can affect the majority of childless women and should never, ever be psychoanalyzed or dismissed by any man upon pain of death!
  It unsettles me a little, though, how her dream finally came true. After Leah's done having her basketball team, Rachel finally gets a turn:

"Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb. She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, "God has taken away my disgrace." She named him Joseph, and said, "May the LORD add to me another son." - Gen. 30: 22-24

The narrative feels somewhat offhand: "Oh yeah...Rachel wanted kids too. *sigh* Guess I'd better get on that so she'll quit her crying already!" It also seems a little cruel that she had to die while having Benjamin, her second son. It's almost like she was being punished for not just shutting up and being content with having Joseph.
  Rachel's victorious statement reminds us of another human truth, that being how a defining desire, when delayed, assaults our sense of worth. The span in which we are without that most sought might be, in the eyes of some, a time of disgrace, a time to feel like a failure. But a point was being made here that took a generation to unfold.
  Joseph, the firstborn to Jacob and his beloved Rachel, would go on to be used greatly by God through a rather adventurous circle of events to rule over Egypt(as an Israelite...how poetic!) and save her from famine. The children he had with Leah and the handmaidens were complicit in faking his death and sending him away into slavery, with no idea that God would use their wickedness for his glory(and ultimately their shame).
  It was God's way of honoring the romance and turmoil that framed the fantastic love story of Jacob and Rachel, one of the most beautiful and real that God's word offers us. In order for the older to serve the younger, the older obviously had to come first, through a woman who was thrust upon Jacob through deception. Their conniving ways proved to be the apples that didn't fall far from the tree!
  As tough as it is, a desire that's truly defining is a four-star gourmet meal...and those always take more time and care to put together. Sometimes God allows us to see bits of the "cooking" process and sometimes he doesn't. Our task is to take in the times he does with appreciation, holding to the faith until(and after) the hope is fulfilled.

Of what shall a man be proud, if he is not proud of his friends?
        - Robert Louis Stevenson

  The numbers that were being thrown at me by the travel agent I simply could not believe. You want me to pay $899 just to fly to Hawaii? How insane! I then had the agent work up a Florida trip. The round-trip flight was about half the earlier amount, but with a total vacation price of $1200, still one that left me skeptical and completely without peace. To top it all off, I had started way late and last minute in trying to plan something like this; you need at least a month or more to put together a decent itinerary! I took a printout of the estimate and said I'd mull it over, knowing that instead I was going to check online services for a better rate. Let's rewind now to two weeks earlier:

 Nate the Carnivore and I were munching on cheap-yet-tasty pizza buffet. He asks me how old I'm going to be and I tell him. The light came on in his eyes and above his head(metaphorically) and he says(paraphrased), "Dude, we gotta have a party!" Dear God, NO...That's the last thing I want! With much conviction, I said I "don't need no stinkin' party", I was going to be on vacation that weekend and wouldn't be available. I was a man on a mission, and it prevented me from seeing the picture that was unfolding, which I will soon explain.
  You see, I had one solid determination for the advent of Year 40: to see the ocean for the first time. In between sampling the local flavor and seeing other sights, on the fateful day itself I was going to be alone on a majestic Hawaiian beach with a cold beverage and a comfy lawn chair. It was going to be a time to look out at the waves stretching to infinity and contemplate the mortality that was becoming a much larger object in the rear-view mirror.
  My mind would be swimming in morose images of great things I had dreamed of that never materialized for one reason or another, one of the biggest being my desire for a lifetime with the girl of my dreams that God has always seemed to leave just out of reach as if in some act of divine retribution for my general suckiness as a human being. It would brood on all the failures in my wake and the people that have been affected by them, the hope invested in me that I never fulfilled, everyone I had ever hurt, how little of a difference I have made.
  I would think of my father, who desperately latches onto the smallest reasons he can find to have some pride in the son who has never lived up to his hopes, who has disappointed him time and time again. I had a vast encyclopedia of guilt, shame, and regret at the ready...and every jot and tittle was going to be read.

  Meanwhile, back to the present and at the computer...I put together the exact same Florida trip on a major travel website for a little more than half of what I had been quoted by the travel agent. At that point I decided to check out Hawaii, since that had been my first choice all along. I was able to assemble a quality round-trip flight and hotel package, for five days and four nights, that was a little over $100 more than what the travel agent had quoted me simply to fly! Excitedly, I set about the booking process.
  I got out the credit card I wanted to use and started to put in the information. I had the cash, but paying with a major credit card for things like this offers you greater protections and privileges in the event of any problems one might encounter. I came to the expiration date and saw that the card in question was expired! My blood was running a little cold as I started looking through various nooks and crannies for the updated card I had surely received in the mail. It was not to be found anywhere. By now dejected and a little angry, I abandoned my ocean plans and decided to settle on a weekend in Minneapolis.
  The next day, Nate calls me up...he just wasn't letting this party thing go! He asks me about it again; and again I declare I'm going to be out of town. "So, what day can we do this on then?" I could hear the disappointment on the other end of the line and it took me a little aback. To appease him, I agreed to the Friday before my birthday, after which time I would leave to Minneapolis to commence ocean-free, severely downgraded wallowing. He told me not to worry about a thing, that he would take care of all the arrangements.
  The moment I hung up the phone with Nate, the Spirit of God living in me immediately began to speak hard truth into my heart and mind: "Your friend loves you enough to want to throw a party for you and to celebrate you, and all you can think about is spending a bunch of money to go off somewhere far away and brood! But instead, you're going to stay put, go to the party, and it's going to be on the proper day...comprende?" Hit straight in the heart and now with something stuck in my eye, I knew He was right and set forth to obey what I had been told. I contacted Nate the next day, and with much relief and peace committed to foregoing any travel plans and making myself available the exact day of my birthday. On a lighter note, a couple days afterward I was rummaging around in my closet and lifted up some papers...and immediately saw the updated credit card I had been seeking. "Very funny, Lord!", I muttered with mild amusement.
   At first Nate wanted to leave it at Friday, but the threat of low or no turnout caused the change to Sunday, the right day, which of course was a fulfillment of what the Lord had said to me earlier. Nate made the arrangements to have everyone meet at Texas Roadhouse for food and festivities. Later we would meet back at my place to sit around the fire and shoot the breeze for awhile, then watch a movie to wrap things up.
   I have church in the evening and that night it went a little long, so I arrived a few minutes late. Even now as I write this, it chokes me up a little recalling the sight that awaited me when I entered the building. I had contemplated the possibility beforehand, but actually seeing it brought it all home to me. At this time, on this night, this was my ocean:

  Pictured above is an ocean of destiny nearly two decades in the making, the one that God had lovingly thwarted my attempts to make vacation plans elsewhere to show me. There were other guys present that aren't in the photo, and all assembled covered virtually every corner of my adult life. He wanted me to bear witness to an ocean of steadfast, loyal friends; strong warriors of faith who have, without even knowing it, shown me what followers of Christ Jesus are supposed to "taste" like. Many of these precious brothers have stood shoulder to shoulder with me in the darkest hours of my life. Heck, a couple of them have even helped me move! :-p
  Nearly everything I have come to know about being a Christian, a friend, and a man, I have mostly learned from them, in ways I never had access to in my formative years. The fact they gave of their time to come and honor me suggests in some way that maybe I was used of God in their lives as well. This revelation has helped me to largely put aside at least most, if not all, of the regrets and failures I have allowed myself to receive an emotional payoff of sorts from chewing on over the years. If I do think about them now, it's in the context of making things right whereever needed, with God's help and empowerment.
  My pastor in college always used to say that only two things last forever: the Word of God and people. The majesty of earthly oceans will one day pass—I still plan on seeing at least one of them sometime, albeit in a more positive framework—, but the one God showed me at Texas Roadhouse far exceeds their grandeur. It is the one I will see for eternity, and the greatest gift that Year 40 has had to offer me...that, and the gift of a second chance.

Thanks, brothers...I love you all more than words can say.